Every time I think I know what I’m going to blog about, something happens in my life that inspires me to write about a completely different topic. I’m a planner – I’m not comfortable with loose ends, being unable to see the big picture, or wallowing in the gray space between black and white. Lately, circumstances have made several areas of my life pretty murky and that leaves me feeling quite vulnerable (geez, I hate that word). You may be wondering what in the world this has to do with yoga after all, the blog is titled texasyogini.
In June, I attended the Hanuman Festival in Boulder, CO – solo. During my weekend there, the opportunity to reflect on myself and how I show up in the world presented itself. Additionally, seeds of thought were planted in my head and they have begun to grow like weeds! Like most weeds, I try and get rid of them, but they just grow back. The teachings I internalized over that weekend aren’t going anywhere. And much to my chagrin, the idea of sitting in or moving through discomfort rather than finding a way to circumvent it is one of those seeds-now-weeds.
Admittedly, I am happy to apply this concept during my asana practice. I have an image of what the ideal final pose looks like. Therefore, working through the discomfort of tight hips, cranky shoulders, or an irritable SI joint are part of the process of improving my practice and moving toward the posture. As a matter of fact, I will often push myself to the brink of injury. Not an admirable quality, but I chalk that up to my perfectionist personality flaw. After all, what happens if I fall out of a pose? Nothing! Nobody else cares so I get up and try again.
I am much less happy working through discomfort or “falling down” in other areas of my life. So here I sit, in this mess of emotions, feeling vulnerable and less willing to push myself anywhere close to emotional injury. I’m trying hard not to turn tail and run (good) yet I am offering others the opportunity to high-tail it out (not so good). Feeling scared and vulnerable is nerve-wracking for me. So this is my yoga. I am sitting in the discomfort of my own emotional purgatory. It’s going to be difficult, but akin to the risks I’m willing to take in my asana practice, I want to learn to do so in my relationships with others (EEK!).
Right now, I wish I had an emotional GPS where I could plug in my desired destination and it would spit out the quickest route (with the fewest tolls). Unfortunately, Garmin doesn’t make one of those but even if they did, I don’t think I would even know what destination to enter!